Feeling Better

I was awfully sick for two months straight. Many trips to doctors and nothing helped. It was dismal. Then quite suddenly I got (for the most part) better. The whole situation was so odd how it came and went. I don't know if it might suddenly come back again, but for now I am mostly feeling well enough to go about my daily life again and for that I am thankful.

My husband bought me flowers for the first time ever a few days ago. Those are them above. I arranged them. I enjoy arranging flowers. These flowers are so beautiful and special to me. I am going to be disappointed when they are gone, but I will still have the sweet memory.

Truly Unconditional Love

Dan and I in August 2007 when we were just becoming friends.

Part of the frustration of this whole being chronically ill thing is feeling like I am a failure as a wife, that Dan didn't sign up for this, and he deserves better. A few weeks ago I was venting this frustration to Dan and I asked again, "why do you love me?" 

I grew up being told I was loved unconditionally, but being shown otherwise. This has caused me to constantly feel like I have to work to be good enough to be loved. Dan never made me feel like that. But the fear of not being loved because I was unable to fulfill some unspoken expectation was still something I struggled with. 

So there was a lot behind that question, "why do you love me?" 

He simply replied, "You're my best friend."

And it finally clicked with me. He really loves me just for me. It doesn't matter what I can or can not do for him, it is simply about who I am. I am his best friend. 

Other people can cook and clean and do all manner of things for him, but no one else can be me. No one else will ever listen to, laugh with, care about, or connect with him like me. I am irreplaceable in that aspect and that makes me worth fighting for. 

Summer Update

Hello Readers, I think their are a few of you at least.

After my jaw surgery I got a job and went back to school. Jan-April were incredibly busy, but enjoyable. I never had a job I enjoyed so much! I sold prom dresses. The position was only seasonal so I had lined up a summer nanny job. That kept me for busy for June and was supposed to go through August. The first week of July the family decided to up their moving away date and put me out of a job on a moments notice.

Our summer vacations were planned to work with the nanny position. So I couldn't even really look for a new job till September. But now, that is being pushed back even further. A health issue I had for near a decade suddenly got much worse last month. Up until this point it wasn't interfering with my life too much. Now it is affecting me daily. Causing me much pain, fatigue, and frustration.

I will be traveling to see a specialist next month and possibly having surgery. I am really torn about this.  On the one hand I really do not want to have surgery. It might not even help, but having it is the only to way to find out. On the other hand, if this issue is left alone it will only get worse.

I felt so good for those first few months after my jaw surgery. And truly my jaw is doing great! After so so many years I finally got to actually live life! It was amazing. I thought I was done spending most of my days in bed.

Now I can't help but feel my body is betraying me.

I won't be going back to school this fall and I don't know when I will be able to work again.

I am feeling down.

I was so eager to come back from vacation later this month and look for a job. I wanted to be able to contribute to the expense of Dan's education. I was looking forward to having a bit of spending money for myself. Now I am going to be another expense. This upsets me to the core. I hate being a burden.

Dan takes it all in stride. Not one complaint from him. In fact, without him I would not be getting the care I need. I hate being a bother so much that I don't even like to call my doctors to ask a question. Dan gives me the firm encouragement I need. He insists that I am in no way a burden and proves it with his actions. I am so thankful for him.

Do I overshare on my blog?

Jaw Surgery Up-Date

I know I haven't up-dated in months. There just hasn't been much substantial change, plus I have been incredibly busy living life like I never have before. This will be quick.

When we left off last time I wasn't even a month post-op. Now I am five months post-op and surgery feels very long ago! A month post-op I was not sure at all if I was actually happy I went through with surgery. I wasn't yet experiencing any benefits and there was still a lot to deal with in terms if swelling and healing.

About three months post-op I finally decided that I could deal with my looks and at least for the physical benefits of being able to eat properly and sleep better that surgery was worth it.

Now, I am very glad I went through with surgery because not only am I experiencing that physical benefits, but my looks have improved as well! That is probably going to sound vain to anyone who hasn't gone through this kind of situation. Please, just trust that is far more difficult than you could imagine to look in the mirror and not feel like you look like you. I never could have imagined how difficult that was until I went through it. Anyway, I did not realize just how swollen I was. Even two months ago I was still very swollen. These past couple weeks I feel like my face is finally returning to its pre-surgery size.

6 weeks post-op vs. 21 weeks. 

Profile Before and After. 

I just looked through my photos and this is actually the only profile pic I could find from before surgery! I really disliked my profile. Now I like it! Yay! 

Note: in the before pic I am holding my mouth closed. If I didn't my bottom lip would droop. In the after pic my face is relaxed. No more droopy lip!

On the subject of bottom lips... mine is still partially numb. It isn't as annoying as it used to be. I think the feeling is still slowly returning. 

I don't know what else to say. I can eat pretty much anything within reason now. Still gotta be a little careful and some days my jaw is sore and I declare a smoothie day, but overall I am doing quite well. I'd be happy to answer any questions. If you are thinking of getting jaw surgery go for it. It will be incredibly difficult! But in the end, it is worth it. I didn't believe that the first few months, but now I do. Just be very patient with yourself.