Truly Unconditional Love

Dan and I in August 2007 when we were just becoming friends.

Part of the frustration of this whole being chronically ill thing is feeling like I am a failure as a wife, that Dan didn't sign up for this, and he deserves better. A few weeks ago I was venting this frustration to Dan and I asked again, "why do you love me?" 

I grew up being told I was loved unconditionally, but being shown otherwise. This has caused me to constantly feel like I have to work to be good enough to be loved. Dan never made me feel like that. But the fear of not being loved because I was unable to fulfill some unspoken expectation was still something I struggled with. 

So there was a lot behind that question, "why do you love me?" 

He simply replied, "You're my best friend."

And it finally clicked with me. He really loves me just for me. It doesn't matter what I can or can not do for him, it is simply about who I am. I am his best friend. 

Other people can cook and clean and do all manner of things for him, but no one else can be me. No one else will ever listen to, laugh with, care about, or connect with him like me. I am irreplaceable in that aspect and that makes me worth fighting for. 

Summer Update

Hello Readers, I think their are a few of you at least.

After my jaw surgery I got a job and went back to school. Jan-April were incredibly busy, but enjoyable. I never had a job I enjoyed so much! I sold prom dresses. The position was only seasonal so I had lined up a summer nanny job. That kept me for busy for June and was supposed to go through August. The first week of July the family decided to up their moving away date and put me out of a job on a moments notice.

Our summer vacations were planned to work with the nanny position. So I couldn't even really look for a new job till September. But now, that is being pushed back even further. A health issue I had for near a decade suddenly got much worse last month. Up until this point it wasn't interfering with my life too much. Now it is affecting me daily. Causing me much pain, fatigue, and frustration.

I will be traveling to see a specialist next month and possibly having surgery. I am really torn about this.  On the one hand I really do not want to have surgery. It might not even help, but having it is the only to way to find out. On the other hand, if this issue is left alone it will only get worse.

I felt so good for those first few months after my jaw surgery. And truly my jaw is doing great! After so so many years I finally got to actually live life! It was amazing. I thought I was done spending most of my days in bed.

Now I can't help but feel my body is betraying me.

I won't be going back to school this fall and I don't know when I will be able to work again.

I am feeling down.

I was so eager to come back from vacation later this month and look for a job. I wanted to be able to contribute to the expense of Dan's education. I was looking forward to having a bit of spending money for myself. Now I am going to be another expense. This upsets me to the core. I hate being a burden.

Dan takes it all in stride. Not one complaint from him. In fact, without him I would not be getting the care I need. I hate being a bother so much that I don't even like to call my doctors to ask a question. Dan gives me the firm encouragement I need. He insists that I am in no way a burden and proves it with his actions. I am so thankful for him.

Do I overshare on my blog?

Jaw Surgery Up-Date

I know I haven't up-dated in months. There just hasn't been much substantial change, plus I have been incredibly busy living life like I never have before. This will be quick.

When we left off last time I wasn't even a month post-op. Now I am five months post-op and surgery feels very long ago! A month post-op I was not sure at all if I was actually happy I went through with surgery. I wasn't yet experiencing any benefits and there was still a lot to deal with in terms if swelling and healing.

About three months post-op I finally decided that I could deal with my looks and at least for the physical benefits of being able to eat properly and sleep better that surgery was worth it.

Now, I am very glad I went through with surgery because not only am I experiencing that physical benefits, but my looks have improved as well! That is probably going to sound vain to anyone who hasn't gone through this kind of situation. Please, just trust that is far more difficult than you could imagine to look in the mirror and not feel like you look like you. I never could have imagined how difficult that was until I went through it. Anyway, I did not realize just how swollen I was. Even two months ago I was still very swollen. These past couple weeks I feel like my face is finally returning to its pre-surgery size.

6 weeks post-op vs. 21 weeks. 

Profile Before and After. 

I just looked through my photos and this is actually the only profile pic I could find from before surgery! I really disliked my profile. Now I like it! Yay! 

Note: in the before pic I am holding my mouth closed. If I didn't my bottom lip would droop. In the after pic my face is relaxed. No more droopy lip!

On the subject of bottom lips... mine is still partially numb. It isn't as annoying as it used to be. I think the feeling is still slowly returning. 

I don't know what else to say. I can eat pretty much anything within reason now. Still gotta be a little careful and some days my jaw is sore and I declare a smoothie day, but overall I am doing quite well. I'd be happy to answer any questions. If you are thinking of getting jaw surgery go for it. It will be incredibly difficult! But in the end, it is worth it. I didn't believe that the first few months, but now I do. Just be very patient with yourself. 

Jaw Surgery Day 26

Ok, first I just want to shout out to some of my fellow jaw surgery bloggers who I have been following. They have all had double jaw surgery, they have been wired or banded shut, and one has dealt with an infection. As difficult as everything has been for me they have had it worse! So, I just want to say that each of you have been an amazing inspiration and encouragement to me! Thank you so much for sharing your stories!!!

I intended to make a 3 week update last Thursday, but I have been so exhausted the past few days I really haven't had the energy. I knew this recovery was going to take a long time, but sometimes I get impatient and frustrated with the reality of how slow it is.

Common Questions I am Asked:

Are you in pain?
No, generally I am not pain. Sometimes I sleep too much on one side or use my jaw a lot it will get sore and hurt a little, but overall I am just quite uncomfortable. Even in the first week (which was the worst) I would have described myself as more uncomfortable rather than in pain.

Have you lost weight?
I don't own a scale and I haven't been weighed anywhere else since before surgery, so I don't know.  My clothes are fitting just slightly looser around the waistline. I don't know if that means I have actually lost weight or is just a consequence of the liquid diet not filling me up the same. Frankly, being so thin has always been a really sensitive issue for me so I'd rather not know the numbers.

Can you eat?
This coming Thursday (Nov. 15th) I am allowed to start eating soft foods! I asked if I could have a fast food burger (those are soft, right?) and was told no. Boo! Oh well. I am really excited for scrambled eggs, and macaroni and cheese. I don't have any idea when I will get to move on to more than just soft foods.

Other things:
Swelling has reached a point where it isn't changing much from day to day. I really am still quite swollen while at the same time looking a lot more "normal". I probably see the swelling more than anybody else and even I get tricked in to thinking I am looking quite well. Which, it is true I am looking much better! I am even somewhat comfortable with how I look. But the problem is that it makes me think I should be doing a lot better physically than I am. I have been really really low energy. Right now if I get up, get dressed, and unload the dishwasher that is productive day. I have to actively remind myself that it really wasn't that long ago that I had major surgery (it weird how your mind deals with traumatic events. My surgery feels like a distant memory) and I am right on track with where I should be physically.

Numbness is probably the most mentally/emotionally challenging thing for me to deal with. I don't even really know how to explain how distressing it is. I don't think if anyone had tried to explain it to me beforehand that I would have understood. My entire lower lip and chin are still basically numb. I think sliiight feeling is coming back in tiny little spots, but it is really hard to tell. Most of the time the lower lip and chin tingle (like if you sat on your foot and it fell asleep) and while that is really annoying it is also somewhat comforting because it means the nerves are trying to heal themselves. If I don't feel any tingles for awhile I start to get paranoid.

Breakouts! This is kind of a gross one, but I want to mention it for people behind me who are going through this. Another girl mentioned her face was really oily after surgery and she was breaking out. Well, when I read that I thought since it hadn't happened to me that I was in the clear. Wrong! Since my last post my face has decided to be quite oily and my chin especially has been breaking out awfully! Normally I have really dry skin, so this is odd for me and I am not quite sure how to handle it. My regular face wash is too gentle. My husband's face wash is too harsh. I am going to be treating it with a homemade coconut oil and salt scrub (that is literally all it is. mix some oil and salt together. scrub on face) that my sister recommended to me. Cleansing, moisturizing, and healing all in one! So we will see how that goes.

I am really self conscious of my smile. Since my lower lip and chin are not only numb, but also stiff my smile is really goofy. My husband says that when I am happy and smiling without realizing it that my smile does look natural. But I haven't seen that! I used to get compliments on my smile. Add that to the list of things I didn't realize were so important to me until after surgery. I hope I get my smile back!

How about some pictures! Since swelling hasn't been changing much and I have been really tired I haven't been taking a lot of photos.

Day 18

Day 24
See! Almost a week between and no discernible difference.  I think it is hard to tell in photos (especially when I do my make-up so nice and pick the best photos.) but I am really am still very swollen. And the right side is more swollen the left. I am not sure why. 

Profile day 25
I have a chin! It makes my nose fit better on my face.

I am not at the point yet where I am happy that I went through with this. If my lower lip and chin stay numb I feel that would in no way be a good trade off for a correct bite. In fact I would probably end up depressed. The thing that keeps me going right now is hope that the feeling will come back. I can say now that even though I am not in love with how I look, I can live with it (just as a point of clarification I would like to stress that I went through this surgery to correct a medical deformity with my jaw, not for cosmetic reasons). And really, since I am still quite swollen that should only get better. So, if my feeling does return then I do I think I will be able to say that I am glad I went through this.

Wow! This turned out a lot longer than I expected! Kudos to you if you read all the way through! Also, thank you so much to everyone who comments on my blog. Your kind words are really appreciated!

I don't go back to see my surgeon again until after Thanksgiving so unless anything major happens I don't think I will be updating again till then.

Jaw Surgery Day 15

It has been two weeks! I am done with antibiotics and I haven't had any pain killers in a few days! My mood is still down, but improving.

I was supposed to have my two week post-op today, but I went in on Monday since I had been running a low fever. I checked out fine, so I don't know what the fever is about.

Anyway, how about some pics!

Day 10. 

Went to the mall with my little sis to get a new bottle of foundation. She got her first bottle of foundation and a tube of concealer while we were there! 

Day 11.

Day 14.

My little sis left early in the morning. So I am taking care of myself now. Managed to do some yoga. Starting to feel a little more human!

Big messy sock bun! So awesome for dirty hair. ;)

Profile. I thought this sorta half silhouette effect was neat

Day 15. Today. 

I do feel pretty with make-up on.

Swelling has reached a point where it going down really slowly, but you can see a little definition there between my cheekbone and my cheek! 

Thank so much to everyone who has given me an encouraging comment either here or on my facebook. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and each one of your comments really mean a lot to me!

Jaw Surgery Day 9

Days 3 and 4 I think weren't too bad. I honestly don't even remember.

Day 5 I was feeling really nauseous all day. That night I threw up... and continued to throw up every couple hours till morning. Except after the second time there was nothing left but my body was still trying to throw up. We called my regular doctor around 3am (I didn't know that in these type of situations you could actually talk to you regular doctor in the middle of the night!) and he said my body was probably just overloaded with painkillers. Basically all I had to do was stop taking painkillers and wait it out. That was not enjoyable in the least. Oh, throwing up wasn't really made any worse because of my jaw, your body just works it out I guess! but still not fun.

Day 6 I don't remember. But here is a picture!

Pretty swollen and you can see the bruising a bit. 

Day 7 I started getting really emotional. Worried about the lack of feeling in my lip and my looks. I kept feeling like I had had to cry, but couldn't just outright cry. I even watched sad music videos and A Little Princess to try and make me cry! I didn't sleep at all that night. Kept trying, but nothing.

Did my eye make-up and a little blush. I actually felt pretty. You can see the bruising on my lower cheeks and all the way down my chest!

We went out to eat at Chili's that night. I called ahead and asked if they could blend their Chicken Enchilada Soup for me. It was good to get out of the house for a short bit.

Day 8 I had my one week post-op with my surgeon. He showed me how to position my teeth correctly and said I had to practice a few times a day to train my muscles. It is already easier. No infection! I was a bit worried about that because there is some pain on my left side and I have been running a low fever, but it is probably just a pulled muscle. A stitch in the back of my mouth has come loose and was bothering me so my surgeon trimmed that. Much better! He said I could sleep on my side, it would't mess up my jaw, if it was painful I'd move naturally.

Oh, I cried a little at the surgeon's office. I don't know why everything was good news! My surgeon even seemed a bit surprised that I was already feeling tingles in my lip and chin. He said that is a really really good sign for the feeling coming back. I still actually feel nothing, but it sure is tingling a lot.

After I got home from my post-op appointment I thought I would sleep. I was falling asleep in the car, but no such luck at home! Eventually I got up and went on a 30min walk. Probably overdid it a bit, but I was hoping it would help me sleep. Nope.

Later in the afternoon we went to Target to get me a waterpik. When we got back home I finally cried for real. And cried... and cried... and cried. Dan was so so good about it! He just held me. He knew I needed it. Put on some relaxing music and was finally able to sleep. I woke up a few times in the night, but I left the music on and that helped lull me back to sleep.

Day 9 is today! I have been eating well today. Oh! I was eating some soup (surprise surprise! soup.) and didn't realize it till I ha done it but I actually fit the spoon into my mouth instead of slurping from it. This got me really excited and I went and grabbed a pudding cup from the pantry and ate that. I few days ago I couldn't even get a baby spoon in my mouth. I am enjoying eating a bit more normally even if everything is still liquid.

A full face of make-up to hide the bruising on my cheeks and a scarf to hide the bruising on my chest. It was cold here today anyway! I feel like an ugly man today. I am really hating my face.

 I MISS MY OLD FACE!!!

I am really glad I waited to get this surgery till after I was married, but honestly at this point I am not sure I am glad I actually went through with it. It kinda feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. 

Jaw Surgery Day 4

Ok. I am counting the day I had surgery as day 1. That was October 18th. Today is the 21st. I had lower jaw surgery to correct my open/over bite (it is was a little bit of both). I am glad I only had to have surgery on one jaw. I can't imagine having to deal with all my upper face being swollen/immobile too! This video does a pretty good job of explaining what I had done: BSSO and Genioplasty

I wanted to blog a bit about my experience because it is hard to find blogs that deal with an open/over bite like mine. The majority of blogs out there seem to be about underbites.

Delicious steak the night before my surgery! Mhmm!!! 

Walking in to the hospital at 5:30am. We are a little tired. 

Getting ready. 

I wasn't really nervous until the point where they were wheeling me away on the bed, but by this point they had started some drugs in my IV so I wasn't really aware of what was going on. So, I was was only nervous for like a second.  I don't really remember what happened after this point. I didn't wake up  till I was already in recovery. I remember being in some pain and crying. I think a nurse was telling me not to cry because I'd make it worse. I guess I got some pain meds then. Idk. I don't know how long I was in recovery. After awhile they moved me to a room. I was there for a little bit until Dan came back (he had to go to class while I was in surgery). 

I threw up twice the first day because of blood in my stomach I think. Throwing up was something I was really worried about, but it ended up being fine. Thankfully Dan was there to grab something because both times there was no nurse around. No mess! Yay! Then I was given some anti-nausea meds. That helped for sure. Also, I kept to warm liquids. 

I don't think if this next picture is from late in the first day or early on the second day. But the swelling really wasn't too bad yet. 

I talked a lot that first day. I was surprised by how much I talked! It started taking it toll though. So the second day I was writing things down a lot more.  Now I am talking a lot less!

Dan stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. I am really glad he did. 

Here is a pic from on the way home from the hospital. This was around 4pm I think. I was feeling alright. But after walking around Target (picking up my prescriptions) and the long drive home I was not feeling so well anymore.  The swelling was up for sure by the time I got home. I don't think you can tell from a pic, but it was making everything more difficult. 

Yesterday (day 3) was the worst so far. The swelling was pretty high and  all the meds were making me really nauseous. Dan went and talked to a pharmacist and got me an anti-acid. I took that late in the afternoon and it helped some. Then Lisa (my little sister is here to help out) and Dan were eating some spaghetti and meatballs. It smelled so good! All I had been eating was sweet smoothie like things. I didn't know I was going to miss regular foods so bad so fast! I insisted that Dan blend me up some spaghetti. He thought it was going to be really gross, but finally did it for me anyway and conceded that it actually tasted good (yeah, he tested it for me). 

Here is Dan with my blended spaghetti and meatballs. Oh! I picked up these cups on a whim when we got my prescriptions after surgery and I am so glad! They are very helpful. I can't use spoons yet (can't open my mouth enough), but I can drink out of a cup without spilling. :)

On the third day I took a bath (well.. Basically Dan gave me a bath. I was pretty out of it!), but didn't wash my hair. Started using ice. Omg! I never loved ice so much! It really helps! I didn't want it in the hospital because my cheeks were so tender I didn't want any pressure on them. Maybe I should have let them put ice on me, Idk. 

No pictures from the third day because I looked especially gross. 

Anyway, today is day four and thanks to the anti-acids I am feeling a lot better today. Swelling and pain is still pretty much the same as yesterday. I took a shower with Dan's help and did wash my hair. The bruising is starting to become more apparent. It is all down my chest. I think you can only see a bit on my lower cheeks/chin in the picture though. 

So far this experience has been better then I expected in some ways and worse in others. I am doing alright. Just taking it one day at a time. Eating (well... drinking broth and juice) was a lot easier the first and second day. Yesterday and today it has been pretty difficult, but I am keeping up. Hoping for the swelling to do down soon! 

For the last couple hours my lower lip area has been really tingly. It is a good sign I think, but omg it is annoying! It is pretty much the same kind of tingling as if your leg or hand fell asleep, but for HOURS. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Oh well. I am kinda glad I went in to this not knowing what exactly to expect. Going through it now I don't think I would choose to experience this, but at the same time it is not too terrible. I don't really know how to explain it. 

Ok. I guess I will update again later. :)