The 9 Month Journey

Note: I wrote this post right around my due date, but never got around to posting it until now. Oops. 

The day we closed on our house. Little did we know I was already pregnant here. 

I mentioned briefly in my last post that this pregnancy has been difficult and yet I am willing to give it another go at some point. Now I am going into more detail while still trying to stay decently concise. I want to record this journey in large part for myself so I can look back and compare it with any future pregnancies.

I also want to share this because honestly, pregnancy becomes me. I look my best pregnant. People seem to fall over themselves to tell me how amazing I look. Yet, that is all they see. I don't mean to gripe and complain, but I want other women who may not look their best during pregnancy to know that I don't have it all. Please don't feel envious of me or down on yourself. If you catch a glimpse of me or another gorgeous pregnant woman out in public please remember that is all you are getting, a glimpse in to her life. She may have just spent the last week in bed. She took a shower yesterday and that was all she could accomplish. Today she managed to put a bit of makeup on, a nice outfit, and get out of the house just for one precious hour. She will pay for that hour by spending the next few days in bed again.

16-17 Weeks. Starting to feel better and sprouting a little bump.

My first trimester was a hell of nausea and exhaustion. It was all I could do to get myself to work. As soon as I came home I would fall on the bed in tears. My sweet husband learned to just bring me food no questions asked. On days I didn't work I just slept and ate. I was perking up by 16 weeks and feeling decent. Weeks 16 through 26 we actually pretty good. 

I ended up in the hospital at 27 weeks with severe right sided abdominal pain. It was determined that the cause was my right kidney. I followed up with my urologist. My doctor believes I had some tiny kidney stones as well hydronephrosis caused by the pressure of the baby. Baby's little feet were right up on my kidney! I felt considerable relief after passing the stones, but continued to be in a good amount of pain until the baby dropped at 36 weeks.  

I was in so much pain before passing the stones that I ended up having to quit my job and I was mostly confined to bed as standing for more than 5 minutes just put me in more pain. I really struggled with this. I didn't want to believe I was as bad off as I was. I couldn't get through the day without round the clock narcotics and if that wasn't enough all I had to do was go to the hospital and they would willingly hook me up with morphine. It took me a bit to process that they probably don't just offer up morphine to pregnant women without serious consideration and I must really not be doing well. 

My mother came down at a moments notice and stayed for nearly two weeks to help care for me. I could not have survived this time without her help! She was an excellent caretaker. In fact I was surprised at how great! I guess you can do a lot more when you don't have 6 other children to attend to as well! 

This was not only a difficult time for me physically, but emotionally as well. I hated that I had to quit my job. I felt a huge weight of not being able to contribute to our household in any way financially or otherwise. I felt like quite a burden. No one made me feel that way! It was my own struggle. 

Although my husband was too busy with school and work to do much in the way of caring for me he was incredibly supportive. It was at this point I found out that he thought, due to my mother's experiences with pregnancy, that I was going to be basically incapacitated from the beginning. He was so proud of me for making it as far as I did! He is continually astounding me with his love. 

At my 29 week appointment I received quite the lecture on my weight gain. I might do a separate post on that. 

At 32 weeks heartburn started to set in. I had never had heartburn before and it was so subtle at first I didn't quite make the connection. I was doing a lot of uncomfortable coughing and learned that that was actually one of the ways heartburn presented itself. And, it was better to catch it with an antacid at that point rather than waiting until more classic heartburn symptoms. That said, heartburn can be so awful! It put me in tears more than anything else. I am still getting it daily, but it has been much more manageable since baby dropped. Chewy Tums are amazing.  

Things I left out they seem so minor now:

• Breakouts of the first trimester. My skin was awful!
• Random nose bleeds. 
• Occasional migraines that would go on for days. Longest was 8 days. Really though, these weren't anything new to me, just more difficult having them in addition to pregnancy.
• Getting up to pee several times a night was not mentioned as it was nothing new to me since I have had bladder issues for years. Thankfully this issue just stayed about the same rather than getting worse with pregnancy. 
• Getting halfway through the Glucose Tolerance Test and throwing up. Having to do the test again later that week. 
• I think there were a couple other symptoms I have since forgotten.

Since 36 weeks I have felt increasingly better. At 37 weeks I even agreed to make my sister's prom dress! And I successfully accomplished that. My due date is tomorrow and at this point I probably feel the best I have this entire pregnancy. Looking back my pain and difficulty were temporary. I made it through. There is now a part of me that will miss pregnancy.

Waiting and Reflecting

As my due date quickly approaches I sit here reflecting back on the journey this pregnancy has been. At times the pain and difficulty was nearly too much to bear. It is surreal to think at any moment labor could start, this pregnancy will end, and the next stage of the journey will begin. I am surprisingly comfortable now. The feeling of being pregnant forever no longer makes me cry. There were days, weeks, months even of this pregancy that you could not have paid me enough to ever want to go through this again. But now, now I really think I might do it again just because I want to. 

Feeling Better

I was awfully sick for two months straight. Many trips to doctors and nothing helped. It was dismal. Then quite suddenly I got (for the most part) better. The whole situation was so odd how it came and went. I don't know if it might suddenly come back again, but for now I am mostly feeling well enough to go about my daily life again and for that I am thankful.

My husband bought me flowers for the first time ever a few days ago. Those are them above. I arranged them. I enjoy arranging flowers. These flowers are so beautiful and special to me. I am going to be disappointed when they are gone, but I will still have the sweet memory.

Truly Unconditional Love

Dan and I in August 2007 when we were just becoming friends.

Part of the frustration of this whole being chronically ill thing is feeling like I am a failure as a wife, that Dan didn't sign up for this, and he deserves better. A few weeks ago I was venting this frustration to Dan and I asked again, "why do you love me?" 

I grew up being told I was loved unconditionally, but being shown otherwise. This has caused me to constantly feel like I have to work to be good enough to be loved. Dan never made me feel like that. But the fear of not being loved because I was unable to fulfill some unspoken expectation was still something I struggled with. 

So there was a lot behind that question, "why do you love me?" 

He simply replied, "You're my best friend."

And it finally clicked with me. He really loves me just for me. It doesn't matter what I can or can not do for him, it is simply about who I am. I am his best friend. 

Other people can cook and clean and do all manner of things for him, but no one else can be me. No one else will ever listen to, laugh with, care about, or connect with him like me. I am irreplaceable in that aspect and that makes me worth fighting for. 

Summer Update

Hello Readers, I think their are a few of you at least.

After my jaw surgery I got a job and went back to school. Jan-April were incredibly busy, but enjoyable. I never had a job I enjoyed so much! I sold prom dresses. The position was only seasonal so I had lined up a summer nanny job. That kept me for busy for June and was supposed to go through August. The first week of July the family decided to up their moving away date and put me out of a job on a moments notice.

Our summer vacations were planned to work with the nanny position. So I couldn't even really look for a new job till September. But now, that is being pushed back even further. A health issue I had for near a decade suddenly got much worse last month. Up until this point it wasn't interfering with my life too much. Now it is affecting me daily. Causing me much pain, fatigue, and frustration.

I will be traveling to see a specialist next month and possibly having surgery. I am really torn about this.  On the one hand I really do not want to have surgery. It might not even help, but having it is the only to way to find out. On the other hand, if this issue is left alone it will only get worse.

I felt so good for those first few months after my jaw surgery. And truly my jaw is doing great! After so so many years I finally got to actually live life! It was amazing. I thought I was done spending most of my days in bed.

Now I can't help but feel my body is betraying me.

I won't be going back to school this fall and I don't know when I will be able to work again.

I am feeling down.

I was so eager to come back from vacation later this month and look for a job. I wanted to be able to contribute to the expense of Dan's education. I was looking forward to having a bit of spending money for myself. Now I am going to be another expense. This upsets me to the core. I hate being a burden.

Dan takes it all in stride. Not one complaint from him. In fact, without him I would not be getting the care I need. I hate being a bother so much that I don't even like to call my doctors to ask a question. Dan gives me the firm encouragement I need. He insists that I am in no way a burden and proves it with his actions. I am so thankful for him.

Do I overshare on my blog?

Jaw Surgery Up-Date

I know I haven't up-dated in months. There just hasn't been much substantial change, plus I have been incredibly busy living life like I never have before. This will be quick.

When we left off last time I wasn't even a month post-op. Now I am five months post-op and surgery feels very long ago! A month post-op I was not sure at all if I was actually happy I went through with surgery. I wasn't yet experiencing any benefits and there was still a lot to deal with in terms if swelling and healing.

About three months post-op I finally decided that I could deal with my looks and at least for the physical benefits of being able to eat properly and sleep better that surgery was worth it.

Now, I am very glad I went through with surgery because not only am I experiencing that physical benefits, but my looks have improved as well! That is probably going to sound vain to anyone who hasn't gone through this kind of situation. Please, just trust that is far more difficult than you could imagine to look in the mirror and not feel like you look like you. I never could have imagined how difficult that was until I went through it. Anyway, I did not realize just how swollen I was. Even two months ago I was still very swollen. These past couple weeks I feel like my face is finally returning to its pre-surgery size.

6 weeks post-op vs. 21 weeks. 

Profile Before and After. 

I just looked through my photos and this is actually the only profile pic I could find from before surgery! I really disliked my profile. Now I like it! Yay! 

Note: in the before pic I am holding my mouth closed. If I didn't my bottom lip would droop. In the after pic my face is relaxed. No more droopy lip!

On the subject of bottom lips... mine is still partially numb. It isn't as annoying as it used to be. I think the feeling is still slowly returning. 

I don't know what else to say. I can eat pretty much anything within reason now. Still gotta be a little careful and some days my jaw is sore and I declare a smoothie day, but overall I am doing quite well. I'd be happy to answer any questions. If you are thinking of getting jaw surgery go for it. It will be incredibly difficult! But in the end, it is worth it. I didn't believe that the first few months, but now I do. Just be very patient with yourself. 

Jaw Surgery Day 26

Ok, first I just want to shout out to some of my fellow jaw surgery bloggers who I have been following. They have all had double jaw surgery, they have been wired or banded shut, and one has dealt with an infection. As difficult as everything has been for me they have had it worse! So, I just want to say that each of you have been an amazing inspiration and encouragement to me! Thank you so much for sharing your stories!!!

I intended to make a 3 week update last Thursday, but I have been so exhausted the past few days I really haven't had the energy. I knew this recovery was going to take a long time, but sometimes I get impatient and frustrated with the reality of how slow it is.

Common Questions I am Asked:

Are you in pain?
No, generally I am not pain. Sometimes I sleep too much on one side or use my jaw a lot it will get sore and hurt a little, but overall I am just quite uncomfortable. Even in the first week (which was the worst) I would have described myself as more uncomfortable rather than in pain.

Have you lost weight?
I don't own a scale and I haven't been weighed anywhere else since before surgery, so I don't know.  My clothes are fitting just slightly looser around the waistline. I don't know if that means I have actually lost weight or is just a consequence of the liquid diet not filling me up the same. Frankly, being so thin has always been a really sensitive issue for me so I'd rather not know the numbers.

Can you eat?
This coming Thursday (Nov. 15th) I am allowed to start eating soft foods! I asked if I could have a fast food burger (those are soft, right?) and was told no. Boo! Oh well. I am really excited for scrambled eggs, and macaroni and cheese. I don't have any idea when I will get to move on to more than just soft foods.

Other things:
Swelling has reached a point where it isn't changing much from day to day. I really am still quite swollen while at the same time looking a lot more "normal". I probably see the swelling more than anybody else and even I get tricked in to thinking I am looking quite well. Which, it is true I am looking much better! I am even somewhat comfortable with how I look. But the problem is that it makes me think I should be doing a lot better physically than I am. I have been really really low energy. Right now if I get up, get dressed, and unload the dishwasher that is productive day. I have to actively remind myself that it really wasn't that long ago that I had major surgery (it weird how your mind deals with traumatic events. My surgery feels like a distant memory) and I am right on track with where I should be physically.

Numbness is probably the most mentally/emotionally challenging thing for me to deal with. I don't even really know how to explain how distressing it is. I don't think if anyone had tried to explain it to me beforehand that I would have understood. My entire lower lip and chin are still basically numb. I think sliiight feeling is coming back in tiny little spots, but it is really hard to tell. Most of the time the lower lip and chin tingle (like if you sat on your foot and it fell asleep) and while that is really annoying it is also somewhat comforting because it means the nerves are trying to heal themselves. If I don't feel any tingles for awhile I start to get paranoid.

Breakouts! This is kind of a gross one, but I want to mention it for people behind me who are going through this. Another girl mentioned her face was really oily after surgery and she was breaking out. Well, when I read that I thought since it hadn't happened to me that I was in the clear. Wrong! Since my last post my face has decided to be quite oily and my chin especially has been breaking out awfully! Normally I have really dry skin, so this is odd for me and I am not quite sure how to handle it. My regular face wash is too gentle. My husband's face wash is too harsh. I am going to be treating it with a homemade coconut oil and salt scrub (that is literally all it is. mix some oil and salt together. scrub on face) that my sister recommended to me. Cleansing, moisturizing, and healing all in one! So we will see how that goes.

I am really self conscious of my smile. Since my lower lip and chin are not only numb, but also stiff my smile is really goofy. My husband says that when I am happy and smiling without realizing it that my smile does look natural. But I haven't seen that! I used to get compliments on my smile. Add that to the list of things I didn't realize were so important to me until after surgery. I hope I get my smile back!

How about some pictures! Since swelling hasn't been changing much and I have been really tired I haven't been taking a lot of photos.

Day 18

Day 24
See! Almost a week between and no discernible difference.  I think it is hard to tell in photos (especially when I do my make-up so nice and pick the best photos.) but I am really am still very swollen. And the right side is more swollen the left. I am not sure why. 

Profile day 25
I have a chin! It makes my nose fit better on my face.

I am not at the point yet where I am happy that I went through with this. If my lower lip and chin stay numb I feel that would in no way be a good trade off for a correct bite. In fact I would probably end up depressed. The thing that keeps me going right now is hope that the feeling will come back. I can say now that even though I am not in love with how I look, I can live with it (just as a point of clarification I would like to stress that I went through this surgery to correct a medical deformity with my jaw, not for cosmetic reasons). And really, since I am still quite swollen that should only get better. So, if my feeling does return then I do I think I will be able to say that I am glad I went through this.

Wow! This turned out a lot longer than I expected! Kudos to you if you read all the way through! Also, thank you so much to everyone who comments on my blog. Your kind words are really appreciated!

I don't go back to see my surgeon again until after Thanksgiving so unless anything major happens I don't think I will be updating again till then.